Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
My dad just said "fuck circus"
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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