I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
