i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
