she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
