Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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