I just cut my nipple shaving
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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