what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
