maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
