You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize