that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
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