Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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