dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
