grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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