The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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