Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize