actually, I'm a sock model
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize