I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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