I puked a lego.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
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