I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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