i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
