he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
