C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
