he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Randomize
