I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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