i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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