This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Randomize
