apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
