I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
