With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
