guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
