so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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