my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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