my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
