I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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