I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
