I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Found the puke drawer
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
