we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
