When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
