I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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