There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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