the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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