my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Randomize
