I molested 6 butterflies tonight
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
