I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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