I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
