"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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