I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
