I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
