We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
