she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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