she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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