I'm going to rape someone's good day.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Randomize
