I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
