I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
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