I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
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