Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
