dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
