Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
